Why I'm an evil witch, but I don't care

I don't actually mind slow play that much. I don't like being held up, and I don't like holding people up, but playing slowly doesn't especially wind me up. My actions today could have been interpreted as being annoyed by slow play, but that wouldn't be quite true.

There's a particular lady who I've played with once or twice who had a stroke a while ago. She's made a great recovery and is back playing golf, so good for her. She isn't as mobile as she was, walks much slower, can't bend down so easily to pick up her ball, and her swing is a bit stiffer. So pretty much everyone is sympathetic, even though being slow isn't usually something that gains you many friends out there on the fairways.

The situation today was that I was in the last group of women, in Lady's Day (I hate that phrase) at the club. And I was in the slow gang, because I was with this particular lady. So far, so whatever. The point is when we were standing on the 4th tee, a two-ball of men was finishing out on the 3rd green. So as we walked up the fairway I mentioned letting them through.

The response was a load of bombastic balderdash, the essence of which, apparently, is that women don't allow men through on Lady's Morning because men aren't allowed out in the middle of a women's competition. It's tough cheese for them. Even though it wasn't even a competition, and we had clearly lost a hole already, and they didn't start in the middle of us but had caught us up, they aren't allowed out in the middle of us. Nope, doesn't make sense to me either. As far as I'm concerned, you lose a hole, you let people through. Whatever the circumstances. Except perhaps a match against another club.

So after a great deal of pompous empty windbagging from this lady about how it was a preposterous suggestion (without any concrete answer about why it wasn't possible) I gave up. If we weren't going to let them through, we were bloody well not going to be a hole behind the group in front.

So I walked her stiff pompous little legs off.

Now that may make me evil, because she's not a fit-and-healthy 30-something. And it may not have taught her a lesson, since she probably blamed it on me not liking the speed of her play, rather than me having a problem with her rudeness to the golfers behind. Anyway, arrogant old biddies don't learn lessons from young upstarts like me.

But it made me feel better, dammit, with the added advantage that I didn't have to talk to her much for the next 14 holes because I was mostly walking 20 yards in front of her.

Image from cinnablythe's Flickr photostream

Chipping Stanley

There's a chap I play with sometimes who is a fair golfer - strikes the ball well, good with a putter - but who simply cannot chip or pitch. In fact, if he has to clear a bunker to make the green, he has been known to go around the bunker with a putter to avoid having to make that pitch. And not for a joke.

I've got quite a lot of sympathy for that. I'm sure everyone has at one time or other had the chip yips (is that a word?). Well I have, anyway. Each time you thin it, or duff it, you have less confidence, and the less confidence you have the more you thin it, or duff it, until you're stuck in chipping hell, where you feel like your playing partners are rolling their eyes and looking at their watches, and the green is the size of your kitchen table and just as likely to hold.

Yep, been there.

So this bloke then - let's call him Stanley - his chip yips mean that his handicap is in the high twenties, when, according to the rest of his game, you'd expect him to be more like in the mid-teens.

So far, so the ordinary story of any golfer. The point that makes this chap's chip yips worth commenting on is not that he's famous throughout the club for being 'most likely to take 6 to get on the green from 6 feet'. It's that he's really quite uncomfortable with his level of golf. He's basically embarrassed that his handicap is in the high 20s. It doesn't help that his girlfriend has a lower handicap. He's one of those people who has never been bad at any sport. He has played at County level for some sports, and ball-and-bat sports in particular were where he excelled. He's one of those annoying people who's a sport natural.

... except in golf.

The problem, then, is that he thinks he ought to be good at golf without really trying, in the same way as he is good at other sports just by turning up.

Chipping Stanley won't have a lesson. That's not unusual in itself - plenty of people get all mystical about the technicalities of their swings but decline the advice of a professional. But Chipping Stanley also won't practice chipping. I've occasionally seen him at the putting green before a game, but he never, ever, goes to the chipping green. He makes all sorts of excuses, professing that practicing doesn't make any difference anyway, and besides the grass around the chipping green is too long, and the green itself has different run from the real greens on the course and blah blah blah.

So this is where I run out of sympathy for him. He has never really tried to fix his chipping.

I don't think people ought to practice. God knows I don't very much. I also don't think that everyone should have lessons. Some people are natural talents, and for others it's just not important. But I don't have a lot of sympathy for someone who sulks when his girlfriend gets cut another two shots, who is embarrassed about his handicap, but isn't prepared to invest 10 or 15 minutes on the chipping green.

I feel his pain but it's entirely self-inflicted.

Photo from Mr Jaded's photostream

The wrong kind of people?

What I like about golf is that, at heart, it's a very inclusive activity. There's room for everybody, and a 36-handicapper can play against a scratch golfer and still have fun. Some people take it very seriously. Others like to have a bit of fun. You can play in competitions and matches if you like them, but you can be an occasional hacker if you want.

We've recently had a few new people join our ladies section. They're all very different kinds of golfers. One has brought her old (low) handicap with her from her old club. I'm predicting that she will not only continue to lower her handicap, but that she will come and kick some arse. I'm hopeful that she will kick some of our better players out of their comfort zones, and she'll certainly make some of them fight hard for their places at the top end of the scoreboard.

Another is new to the game. She took it up recently, hasn't yet got her handicap, hasn't played in a medal, but she's been bitten by the bug. I think she's a fighter too, if I'm any judge, and I think she'll be working on improving her golf. But she seems determined to enjoy her rounds irrespective of her score in the meantime.

A third is an occasional player, who's really in it for the fun of it. I think she likes the fresh air, the chat, the exercise, hitting a few balls, scoring a few points. I doubt that she's in it for the competitions and I'll be surprised if she starts playing in the knockouts or matches. She plays often enough to want a membership, but not so often that membership was a no-brainer.

So as I was saying, I think it's great that golf has something for all three of these women, and I'm really pleased that all three of them have come to our club, because they think they'll find a place for their kind of golf there. I really think they will.

If only certain members would stop discouraging them.

I'm annoyed because they've been deliberately discouraged from participating in certain events, by - of all people - the Lady Captain. For some unfathomable reason the Lady Captain thinks that two of these three new members somehow don't belong in one of our major strokeplay competitions. Guess which ones?

It seems to me that too many people try to model golf after themselves. They think other golfers should behave like themselves, and share their attitude to the game. I think the Lady Captain has a very competitive, very serious attitude to golf, and I think she thinks that people who don't share that attitude should stay out of the big competitions. I believe she wants to keep serious competitions for serious golfers who will take it seriously.

That's one attitude to take. The upshot is that one of them now won't play in any medal competitions. The other didn't bother trying to qualify for the strokeplay major because she knows she's not wanted in it. Both of them have been made to feel unwelcome for no good reason.

You're right, I'm not very happy about this. How could you tell?

Am I being naïve in believing that there's room for everyone in golf?

Photo of graffito of Gary Coleman from Different Strokes (geddit?) from florathexplora on Flickr

Too young to golf?

I am sometimes embarrassed to admit I'm a golfer. Sorry. I'm too young, too fashionable, too much of a non-conformist.

That's not to say that I'm very young, fashionable or rebellious. But the fact is, golf has an image problem. Golfpunk or no golfpunk, it's really for people who are not in the slightest bit young, fashionable or rebellious.

I have a friend who I think would love golf. His grandad was a golfer, and always wanted my friend to play. My friend does want to play. He enjoys pitch and putt. He likes swinging a club at the range. He's looking forward to reaching his forties, because that's an appropriate age to play golf. He's not prepared to start until then - he's very firm on the matter.

I'm fairly sure whenever he does get started he will regret not starting sooner. Doesn't everyone? (My husband, a single-figure handicapper, started playing at age 7 but sort of wishes he had started when he was 5). But on the other hand everyone knows golf is mainly for old people. Don't get me wrong, it's great if younger people play, and I think everyone involved in golf should be encouraging a younger generation to get stuck in. In fact if it comes to that it's risible that I count as 'young' in this game. But I can't help thinking my friend is kind of right. He's not old enough to play golf.

(Photo thanks to brefe's photostream)